I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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