mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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