If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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