dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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