Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
