i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
