It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
