So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
