I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
