Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
