I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this will be a night to untag.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
