He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
