I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
