12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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