Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
