nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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