he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
