the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
