You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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