how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My cat gives me a boner
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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