im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
