I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
