So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
