shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
