I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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