it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
