im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
