last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
