she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i believe in u and ur pee
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
