It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
