I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
