I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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