Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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