the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
there is glitter all over my balls
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