So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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