you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
