Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
