Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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