my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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