god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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