i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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