the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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