We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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