He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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