Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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