Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
