You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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