Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
