I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
