I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
