Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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