That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So squirting runs in the family.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
