You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
