It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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