Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
