Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
