At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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