Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
