I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
