im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
