this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
