I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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