Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
