Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
