Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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