you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
