he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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