So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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