Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
