I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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