My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
